Posts tagged: english

Фев 06 2018

Dirty Joke.

 Tom, Dick and Harry
Tom, Dick and Harry, three explorers, were captured by cannibals in the jungles of Borneo.
The cannibal chief says to them, "If you pass the tribal test we will let you live. Go into the jungle and gather 10items of the same fruit."
So the three guys scamper into the woods, and Tom comes back first with 10 apples.
The Chief explains the trial to him, "You must shove the fruits up your butt without any statement on your face or you will be eaten." The first apple was okay , but Tom winced in pain on the second apple, and was promptly killed and went to heaven (he was a good explorer).
Dick comes back with 10 berries and the chief explains the trial to him as well. Dick doesn't think it should be too tough and begins. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. But on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and is killed.
Tom and Dick meet in heaven where Tom asks, "Dick, why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!"
Dick replied, "I couldn't help it. I saw Harry coming with an armload of pineapples." 


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Дек 16 2017

Hot Shot Lawyer.

 Hot Shot Lawyer
A gorgeous blonde and a hot-shot lawyer are sitting first class right next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks the blonde if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, who is tired, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay, " the lawyer continues. "Your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references but he can't find an answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and googles it, but he still has no answer. Frustrated, he instant messages all his friends and coworkers, which turns out to be no help at all. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

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Дек 04 2017

Which Bra Are You?!


Which Bra are You?

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A man walked into the ladies department of Myer's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from ."

Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied: "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"

The man asked about the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses; The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen; The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright; The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills."

* * * * *

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? It is about time you became informed!

{A} Almost Boobs {B} Barely there {C} Can't Complain! {D} Dang! {DD} Double dang! {E} Enormous! {F} Fake {G} Get a Reduction {H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!

Then there's the German bra: Holtzemfromfloppen.

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Ноя 03 2017

Real 911 Calls.

 BELIEVE it or not , These are REAL 911 Calls!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency? Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich . Dispatcher: Excuse me? Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it. Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I’m sick and tired of it!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I’m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn’t have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma’am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.

My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What’s the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is……….

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath. Darn….I think I’m going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

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Окт 16 2017

Kiddie Jokes.

 A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I am drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her 5 and 6 year-olds. After explaining the commandment "Honor thy Father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" One little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
An honest 7-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. "How did that happen?," gasped her mother. "It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
A 3-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say: "There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer," or "That's Michael. He's a doctor." A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead". ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, "Now, boys, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes, sir," the boys said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For weeks, a 6-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The 6-year old was obviously impressed, but he made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever became of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?" Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"
On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help ?"

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Окт 06 2017

Buddhist Jokes.

So, I hear reincarnation is making a comeback.
Q: Why are politicians proof of reincarnation?
A: You just can't get that screwed up in one lifetime.
Q. What did the Buddhist say to the sandwich vendor at the ball game?
A. Make me one with everything!
After the man received his sandwich, he gave the vendor a $20 bill. The vendor just smiled.
The man, infuriated, demanded, "Where is my change?"
The vendor replied, "O, one with everything, change comes from within."
Q. What did the Buddhist tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners?
A. Too many attachments!
 Q: Why don't Buddhists vacuum in the corners? 
A: Because they have no attachments. 

Q: Did you hear about the new low-fat religion?
A: "I Cant Believe Its Not Buddha"
Q: What happens when a Buddhist becomes totally absorbed with the computer he is working with?
A: He enters Nerdvana.
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Сен 25 2017

Jokes d’jour.

 Why are ghost such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
Man so his wife: 

I’d never say you’re fat! You’re just a bit more visible.
Dark, the side of this toast is. (Yoda at breakfast)

What would you call a person who had no body and no nose? 

Nobody knows.

A pig stands in front of an electric socket: “Oh no, who put you into that wall?!”

 I saw this sweet poor old lady fall down the stairs and hurt herself. At least I assume she was poor because I didn’t find more than 3.50 in her wallet.
 I never hold my farts in. Only assholes do that.

Here, I bought you a calendar. Your days are numbered now.

Where do fish sleep? 


 In the RiverBed.

Talk is cheap, yeah? Have you ever talked to a lawyer?!

My wife’s driving test went surprisingly well yesterday. She got 7 out of 12. The 5 managed to run to safety.

I called the hospital but the line was dead.

Husband: Wow, honey, you look really different today. Did you do something to your hair?


Wife: Michael, I’m over here!

Do you know a tree’s favorite drink? 


Root beer!

What did one plate say to his friend? 


Tonight, dinner’s on me!

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Сен 20 2017

Jokes d’jour.

What do you get when you wake up on a workday and realize you ran out of coffee?
A depresso.
I used to breed rabbits. Then I realized they can handle it themselves.
Google request:
How to disable autocorrect in wife?
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.
I went to see the doctor about my short-term memory problems. The first thing the bastard did was made me pay in advance.
What are a shark’s two most favorite words?
Man overboard!
A man drops his phone on a concrete floor. The phone is fine, no damage. How come?
He had it on airplane mode.
Two snails are chatting on the sidewalk. “I’ll have to cross the road,” says one.
“Well, be careful,” says the other one, “there’s a bus coming in an hour.“
What do you get when you cross-breed a cow and a shark?
I don’t know, but I wouldn't enjoy milking it.
Meanwhile in a parallel universe: “Oh for God’s sake! Where are all these extra single socks coming from?!”

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Ноя 25 2015

10 смешных идиом в английском языке

Мы понимаем, что идиомы нельзя понимать буквально, но иногда именно буквальный смысл этих выражений заставляет нас хихикать.

1. As cool as cucumber (calm, relaxed)

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Апр 25 2014

Немецкий язык в сравнении. German Language Compared to other Languages

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